And I'm Up Now, Why?

I am up way too early. I went to bed less than four hours ago. Yet I naturally wake up at this time. Odd.

My dad gets here this afternoon. Fuck. I haven't started packing. This is bad. So, I need to clean up a few messes, get rid of the alcohol bottles around my room (although having them is not amiss, as I am 21, but might seem a bit excessive for the amount of time that I have been as such, especially my drinking habits - there was a time when I would have gone through two bottles of vodka since October, but that time is not now), and I should really start with the packing. I wanted to go to Powell's today too, but we'll see how that works out.

So I am awake at this too-early hour, but not actually ready to be productive. Perhaps I will go back to bed and nap lightly until the sun has risen.

The Leave Taking

So, so so much... anger. Grief. Everything.

My dad arrived today. And already I'm full of anger and resentment and everything I had too much of in high school.

I hate the stack of packed boxes in my room. I hate the piles of packing detritus scattered about. I hate everything.

Damn! I haven't even told everyone around here that I'm leaving. I thought I had more time. My dad gave me the impression that there was no rush. But this was quite wrong.

I feel like a motherfucking criminal. Or one of the disappeared. Being whisked away tomorrow with an envelope full of cash and no time to say goodbye. I hate this.

I've gone through most of the evening with a big lump in my throat from all the anger of having to go NOW with my wishes seemingly not taken into account. I want to see my friends one more goddamn time! But no. My dad has taken up all my motherfucking time today. And now that it is late in the evening, I won't be able to find everybody. I got through dinner by having a drink or two with it (one before the food came) and downing both rather quickly. That made it all more bearable. (But my heart could still break for my family...)

Speaking of family... WHAT THE FUCK AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO? Seems that everything with the extended family is a mess. Why am I leaving this for that? I don't know.

Time to go give away my last jar of salsa...