My dearest Residence Life -
Thank you so much for subverting my expectations for my college years. I had fully expected to spend my four years of college living on campus, taking advantage of all the benefits of on campus living, such as Ethernet, and proximity to classes, the library, and the other fine facilities this college offers. I had even hoped to serve the College as a House Adviser. But you gentle folk of Res. Life have shown me the way. I was foolish to have such expectations. You, in your infinite wisdom, determined that I am not worthy of the exalted position of House Adviser and would be better off directing my energies elsewhere. But in consolation for this mild disappointment, in giving me the number 141 in the housing lottery, you have chosen me as a sacrificial lamb to your housing difficulties. While I know that the lottery numbers are generated completely randomly, giving a fair chance to all for sacrificial selection, I am honored to have received such a high lottery number as to be guaranteed an opportunity to give up my right to live on campus for such a noble cause as insufficent planning on the part of a number of College administrators. I was a fool to believe that the convenience of living on campus was a good to be desired and attained. Again, thank you for showing me the error of my ways and turning me away from the Dark Side I heedlessly aimed for. As a token of my affection, please accept my invitation to suck my left and right ones. In addition, please take my lottery card, roll it up, and shove it up your ass.
With utmost respect,
Dawn
P.S. Fuck you too. You can expect to see me re-express my gratitude every time I walk past your office windows.
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